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The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide This is NA Fellowship-approved literature Copyright 1998 World Service Office Inc. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Preface The idea for this piece of literature came from the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship itself. Beginning in the early 1980s we began receiving Twelve Step guides and step worksheets along with requests that we develop a standard set of...
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Introduce our speaker Adam T from Los Angeles California my name is Adam I'm an addict like to first thank the committee for asking me to come out and speak tonight it's it's an honor and a privilege to be asked to participate in Narcotics Anonymous ultimately it's a responsibility to give back what was so freely given to me I want to welcome you guys that are new if you're trying na one more time if perhaps you don't think this will work for you if you really don't want to be here I mean I I hate to say this but I I hated all you happy people you know I didn't want I would get released from treatment centers and the last thing I wanted to do was you know get involved in this I mean a lot of people get loaded to fit in I wanted to get away from everybody you know and I mean I did that walk of shame I had so many key tags and chips I stood up for 17 years I mean I I could have played poker with them all as ridiculous and you know I don't mean to be funny but I did that walk of shame over and over and over again and you know I would go into your head and look back at myself and think what a loser why can't you get this what's wrong with you and I know the Alzheimer's were judging me you know if you're new we're judging right you know they say right they say ol don't judge anybody in Narcotics Anonymous you ever hear that five minutes later they're telling you to stick with the winners right you hear a lot of stuff in recovery that's not necessarily in the basic text telltale you don't make any major decisions in your first year have you guys seen the third step if it comes at a treatment center what's the other one oh don't get in a relationship in your first year no one knows if that works no one's ever done it now you know there's a couple right there's always a saint in the crowd you got a halo on don't let it show Kia but the one I love is God doesn't give us more than we can handle and you know that was true I wouldn't need God's help and the longer I've been separated from narcotics the longer I've been in recovery the more I've absolutely needed God's help and Narcotics Anonymous has done for me what I could never do for myself it's done for us collectively as a group conscious what none of us could do you know and I never wanted to admit that I needed you I think the most common thing that we say in recovery the most important thing that we say in recovery is yeah me too you know I never really understood that because for me like a lot of us this is a disease of isolation it's about being separate different and alone you know and eventually I started going through treatment centers you know and this isn't a plug for treatment but by the time I finally got clean I'd gone through treatment 28 times and I remember telling my sponsor you know I went through treatment 28 I was hoping that would get rid of the guy you know loser and he looked me right in the eye and he says you know that doesn't make you an addict and I thought your kiddies is now it means you paid half a million dollars for our basic text and I wasn't laughing I didn't think that was funny you know in my experience shows me that any scheme that attempts to shield the Attic from temptation is doomed to failure see treatment was a great place to fatten me up for another run but treatment never solved the problem and I always thought the problem is narcotics and a guy said to me oh that little bag adult that little bindle that little crack pipe if that's your problem he said you're probably not an addict and then he said to me if you're a real addict the type that's described in the literature your problem isn't narcotics and you know what it took me another decade to understand what he was trying to tell me because from the time I was in junior high school it was obvious that I couldn't live with narcotics you know pissing in my pants drooling on my desk I mean you know seventh grade everyone could see I couldn't live with narcotics they used to call me space cadet you know everyone thought oh it's like you know Asian because I couldn't keep my eyes open you know I could live with narcotics but if you're an addict in recovery the greater aspect of this disease is the fact that I can't live without narcotics and I have a mind that always takes me back to a bag of dope I have a mind that will argue with anybody about anything at any time you tell me it's blood I'll tell you it's white you tell me to go right I'll go left with an attitude right now blame you the whole way your fault that's why we say denial is don't even notice I am lying you know what I do it in every aspect of my life don't just do with narcotics you've been separated from from you know narcotics for a while you know what happens right it manifests in all these other behaviors like we say you know I put down the spoon and what do I do I pick up the fork next thing you know I'm like I can't see my feet and I'm on my knees and step six and seven saying god please remove this for me I can't live like this anymore then I put down the fork and pick up the credit card now I'm going to fix what I did with a fork buying clothes I'm going to hide it I'm in liposuction and then I'm on my knees again in step six and seven in bankruptcy court saying God please I can't live like this anymore then you know what I do I start acting out in the rooms can't go to that meeting again can't go to that meeting it's no wonder there's 400 12-step programs they're all identical except for the first half of step one and you come into Narcotics Anonymous and you've got Alcoholics then you got addicts then you got addict alcoholics then you got alcoholic addicts that are somehow different right and then you got the dope fiends in the back that are worse than all of us and if we don't have a common problem we don't have a common solution I suffer from the disease of addiction one program one recovery one message yeah and it's my experience now that when I straighten out spiritually in the steps I straighten out mentally and physically in all the other areas and I never understood that and what I would do is I would play musical poisons in the first half of step one like we say it's like changing seats on the Titanic you know and never really address the problem and I always thought the problem was narcotics you know and it took a long time for me to really understand what this spiritual malady is a malady that moves me into an obsession an obsession that moves me into this allergy where I can't stop and an allergy that kills me so I can't live with it but the greater aspect of this disease and if you're like me I really can't live without it and eventually I started going through treatment centers and you know I was in my final treatment center I was a hundred and twenty pounds I attracts you my wrists to my neck I look like I just got out of a concentration camp you know I was hopeless I was dirty I was lost I've let everybody down one more time member that great feeling and detox yeah I've been on methadone maintenance for ten years you know this woman comes in on her H&I panel you know to do her H and I talk you know probably from the liquid fellowship you know what a Clancy's crew right wearing a business suit you know and she looks down at us and she says if I could give you all the gift of recovery I wouldn't do it you know what I said I looked at my friend I said what a bitch and what she said was she said the reason I wouldn't give you the gift of recovery is because I wouldn't rob you of the journey and all of these years later I understand that that journey to recovery very much like that journey to surrender that each and every addict has to walk is personal and thank God we don't shoot our wounded in Narcotics Anonymous this would be an empty room by the way if you're new I want to welcome you we're the only people that want to reward because we ran out of a burning building really happy you're here if you're sitting here tonight thinking about getting loaded it beats the hell out of being in a dope house right now thinking about being clean and there's a lot of people that were sitting next to us that are out there right now thinking about this you know down on Fremont in the hotels I know it's like you know it's difficult sometimes to stay here but it's almost harder to get back here you know and for me like a lot of us the door evolved for a long time you know and then eventually its slammed shut and then I was shooting to open County Jail I was getting loaded in treatment you know having people mail it to me you know and all of a sudden I couldn't get back here you know I was going to that clinic every single morning died into this thing and the disease killed me every day but it wouldn't bury me and if you're new my sponsor said when I got cleaned said I want you to buy a black suit and I said why and he said well you're going to go to a lot of funerals and then he said if you get loaded again at least we'll have something nice to bury you in he wasn't nice to me see but the reality is if you baby the addict you'll bury him tell me the truth that this is a fatal progressive chronic disease that this disease for me is like being on a train and the Train only goes to one place we know where it goes it goes to jails institutions at death that's the only place the train goes now right now we're at a station and I feel safe but my experience shows me that I will get back on that train again you know it took a long time for me to really understand what it meant to be powerless because people say what's your judge choice I'm like what's your drug and no choice you know I could put this down and that down but you put that sit in front of me I'm shitting in my pants you know I can't say no and I'm very clear on that powerlessness and people say oh don't use no matter what I like why don't you join Nancy Reagan's merry band of winners and just say no when everything in my consciousness in my life demands that I stand and deliver I show up loaded for weddings and funerals and baptisms I don't show up at all you know I'm stuck in that hotel room I'm stuck in that you know that public toilet and I do that over and over again and it took me a long time to really understand that concept that I can't bring into my consciousness all of that pain and all that suffering that happened to me it took a long time for me to really understand that that journey to surrender that we talked about like that journey to recovery is really really personal you know and me after spinning out of control and being in the rooms and going to the clinic and and sitting in noon meetings and drooling on myself and taking other people out with me and doing all the despicable diabolical disgusting things that a lot of us have to do on that road to desperation you know I wish I could give that to you if you're new but see that's the cover charge for Narcotics Anonymous that walk of pain I hate to say it that's why you know it's only a buck took a long time for me to get any kind of clarity that you know that's surrender it's the hardest thing in the world to have you know now I do a lot of H and I I should write I'm an alumni from everywhere and by the way if you're new and you heard about Narcotics Anonymous in treatment hospitals and institutions which is one of the committees in Narcotics Anonymous has the lowest relapse rate in all of recovery you know and one of the things that I started doing was taking these meetings and panels back into institutions into prisons into hospitals and into detoxes and you know I have a panel up at the VA which is the Veterans Administration and you know it's a really strange thing because you know yet in a room about this size right full of soldiers you know and you pick a topic like surrender you get dirty looks and the room gets really quiet especially Marines but one of the greatest illustrations of surrender that I've ever heard came out of one of those experiences if you ever watch a soldier surrender the illustration is perfect you'll see them take the rifle lay it down on the ground sit down on the side of the road wait for someone to tell them what to do when you got four tak 47s pointed at your head you don't throw down the gun with an attitude what's your relationship to narcotics huh you get caught looking at the gun you know someone's going to put a cap in you right am I looking back at narcotics am I looking back at the magic that I once found see because if you have that reservation as an addict like I did life has its moments and for those very moments I am willing to give my life to recapture and recreate the magic that I once found in the bag that sense of freedom that sense of peace that sense of unity that spiritual connection that magic that I once found and my experience shows me that unless I can find that freedom and that balance and that focus that I sought through narcotics through the 12 steps there's no way I'm going to stay here now there was a guy by the name of dr. Harry Tebow who is one of the contributing members to some of the original literature he talked about the difference between compliance and surrender and you look him up on the internet and you know I've been in compliance to Narcotics Anonymous for years doing it for sober living doing it for the judicial system doing it for the parole department doing it for family services where I live on the west side they do it for the trust fund but see that concept of surrender very much like that soldier that lays down that rifle is unconditional and I had to look at my relationship to narcotics that I couldn't stop once I started that I couldn't stay stopped on my own that I couldn't stop without a spiritual experience and I had this vine that always takes me back and for me there was a huge difference between the act of surrender that got me into the program and into Narcotics Anonymous over and over and over again and the status surrender that's keeping the old timers here it's a completely different concept it's kind of like watching a swan glide across a pond to spill water it looks so graceful it it's so effortless it's so smooth it's beautiful but you know what's going on under the water right he's paddling like hell and people ask me what changed after going through treatment twenty-eight times what changed after being in the rooms for 17 years loaded and what changed is action that I became willing to take actions in Narcotics Anonymous that I did not believe in I became willing to set aside everything I thought about na about the 12 steps about you about me and about God so I could have a new experience with this thing and I started to look at it from a different perspective I swear to God if this was a room full of dope dealers you'd have every number in here that's why when Narcotics Anonymous started they didn't want us meeting because most of his autos were felons but we're here for the purpose of recovery and you know you'll never see anybody more willing to work the Narcotics Anonymous program than the Attic that comes crawling in that door after a long hard run he'll do anything 90 meetings in 90 days right he wants to get a commitment he's got what two three sponsors first day out of detox he wants to take the coffee pot home fuck that's how we lose half our literature you won't be selling that in the hood and 30 60 90 days later that same addicts looking at me going man you mean we got to go to meetings every day and just like the prizefighter that throws in the towel and says I'm done what do I do I take that towel back one little piece at a time I take my will back and my experience shows me that the way for me to stay in a state of surrender is by coming to meetings regularly by maintaining commitments by being of service by living in ten eleven and twelve and by taking actions continuously that I don't believe in until eventually my thinking and my perception changes and you know I couldn't get no one could give that to me and I had to lose in every imaginable way before I could win with this thing and you know it's like unplugging your frigerator you know what happens if you unplug refrigerator right everything goes bad it doesn't matter if it's 20 weeks all they're 20 years old my experience shows me and if you unplug refrigerator everything looks fine for a while and that's the trouble I unplug from Narcotics Anonymous and put a little more into work a little more into the relationship and my life looks really good but spiritually I deteriorate and my experience shows me that the shower I took yesterday won't keep me clean today that I can't stay clean on yesterday's program there's a lot of old timers at a lot of years and they forgot how to have days you know my sponsor it's it's really strange because he told me if you're not willing to take people through the steps you're going to die and that was the whole point of the exercise the work in Narcotics Anonymous was not working on myself it was getting rid of self so that I could be of service to others so I could reach into my community and help other addicts and through doing that I would find freedom and I didn't believe that until I experienced it then we can talk all day long about what gets us into these rooms I think it's more important as addicts and recovery to talk about what keeps us here and you'll hear people's perception completely different oh I ended up in na and you look at them and you can tell I didn't end up in na I came here to start a brand new life and why do I come back to help you it took a long time for me to understand see there's two kinds of people in the real world and I know I'm an offensive people tonight and I'm sorry there's givers and there's takers 90% of the world out there is takers 10% are givers now you come in to Narcotics Anonymous you think it's any different same thing 90% takers 10% givers you don't believe it wait till they ask for clean up tonight start to wonder how many people actually register for this thing and we talk about the ties that bind us together my friend said it was like a sporting event you get fans and you got players and the players are the ones that set up the meetings are the ones that put out the chairs they're the ones that bring the literature they're the ones that make the coffee they're the ones that are on the committees and then you get the fans they're the one to take the literature and take the coffee and you know what Narcotics Anonymous is the most dangerous spectator sport in the world fear won't keep me clean if you're an addict you know when you're new and you're a little scared that's cool but my experience shows me that getting a third strike living on the street being homeless losing my career throwing away my education losing my health losing my family losing my kids that's not enough to keep me clean did scared-straight work for you now we have what they call the recreational user there is such a thing you know they stop Sunday afternoon but see there's a big difference between them they're the one to break the pipes and stuff now you get a recreational user and a real addict in a holding tank for safe driving under the influence you get two completely different philosophies going on you get the recreational user on one side of the cell thinking man what I use so much last night I knew I shouldn't use so much real addicts on the other side of the cell thinking why they take this trip now the court card people never laugh at that shit they don't think that's funny at all could have been a completely different Friday night for you recreational users wife says you know if you don't get clean I'm leaving you recreational user cleans up his act doesn't use in the house right it's a little Visine now if my woman says to me honey if you don't get clean I'm leaving you you know what I'm thinking right thinking about single life and as an addict in recovery if you remember the way that I live like a lot of us live if anything got in the way in narcotics it was out of my life anything got in the way of the bag and I slowly compromised everything I took jobs that would support my using I take women that would support my using and slowly it took at all but if anything got in the way of using it was out of my life and if you're an addict in recovery if anything gets in the way in Narcotics Anonymous it's out of my life now that may not be your experience but that's my experience and I remember though you know if a woman gets in the way of my recovery you know I remember the first I said that from the podium there she was in the back of the room she's like baby you don't look like an addict why you got to go to all those meetings you're not speaking again are you your programs getting in the way of our recovery our relationship 30 60 days later on having Thanksgiving dinner with her and her lovely family head of the table I'm all dressed up out comes the exotic wine she's like sweetie you could have a glass of wine it's just a glass of wine for more rehabs shit I stole her purse that night and she came to detox with a get-well card you know I did it to her again right like what four or five more times might have a couple girls like that in here tonight that's what they call codependency right you guys know with the diff between a codependent in the toilet seat is toilet seat don't follow you around after you shit all over it when was that a revelation or something shit I might get killed after the meeting there's a program for you guys for her a slip was ten minutes of compassion I have spawn seeds that pay more in taxes than I make all year they have these huge careers and his little tiny programs you know what I've never seen one of them stand the test of time here what do I do for a living I stay clean what do I you know what do I do for money it's over there and if I get them mixed up I'm in handcuffs if I get them mixed up I'm in an emergency room where I get both I'm handcuffed to a gurney with a cop trying to get the rock out of my mouth right oh that might be a yet for you shit can happen so I got to take a look at that self knowledge won't fix me I bet every relapse prevention class known to man we go through treatment twenty-eight sighs you wrote at all you know and if you're new and you think you're going to learn about your triggers and you're going to learn about relapse prevention I mean you may I mean I remember being in relapse prevention class and I'm raising my hand we're talking about triggers I tell my counselor wake it up to trigger for me I was asked to leave the class I'm disturbing the other clients I'm up I want to use right so you know there I am behind a dumpster on Skid Row drooling on myself with an outfit hanging out of my arm reciting how it works out of the basic text and the bum next to me is like we use shut up man you're ruining my high and I'm trying because I can't get back here because I've got a head full of Narcotics Anonymous I got a bag full of dope and I'm separate different and alone one more time oh you think that sounds painful you know it's worse being in this room tonight really being an addict and not working the 12 steps that's worse coming to meetings late leaving early not having commitments not being of service not having a sponsor that's worse that's why I always wanted you know welcome or inspire the guy in his last 30 days you know we don't talk to the guy in his last 30 days week so you know welcome if you're in your first 30 days we had to say you know if you're in your last 30 days because I mean you can always spot the guy in his last 30 days just ask him how he's doing I'm fine I'm like why don't you tell your face that bro but the tragedy of that is later we hear oh you know so-and-so blew his brains out he died and it ain't so funny you know when it's someone you love you know one of our dearest friends you know they used to take me to meetings and hang out with me you know uh killed himself and it's like he came and heard me speak ten times it didn't help him because knowledge won't fix me I told my sponsor I had a degree when I got clean he what he said to me he said you know what thermometers have degrees you know what he stick those see these 12 steps for me today are a set of principles only through application and practice will they relieve me of this obsession there's people to know more about the 12 steps and about the literature and about the readings that I'll ever know on Skid Row trying to get another hit right now and the difference between them and me is I got smart feet and I'm not going to unplug that frigerator and I'm going to do today what I did yesterday and I'm going to tomorrow what I did today you know because of that you know I've got some freedom see the knowledge is necessary for me to win the confidence of a newcomer where the clergy couldn't do it where the therapist couldn't do it where the drug and alcohol counselor couldn't do it where the parole officer couldn't do it another addict was able to win my confidence because he lived like me not just in the spoon and the brillo and the horn but he live might like me an untreated addiction and he could share that separation that resentment that selfishness the dishonesty that addicts lived with he was able to share with me his experience his strength and his hope and see it's a thousand words it means more than a thousand words you know I see guys in my neighborhood and you know they're all strung out and they see me coming along and the first thing they say to me man would you get out you know because you know the only time we ever look like this is like you know a week after we get out and I'm like I think out for years and then we talk about how that happens and then you hear it well you know my life's really ain't that bad there's two kinds of denial for me one is denial about the problem but the greater aspect of denial is about the solution and we hear it most of us don't have to think twice about whether or not we're addicts we're all nodding at that but will the steps work for me like they work for you a lot of people walk around say Narcotics Anonymous doesn't work and I go how many people were you sponsoring when you relapsed never heard it let's say we're doing one in 13 and you hear it you know there's a clue the clue is this you know they say keep coming back it works if you work it you ever heard him say keep coming back it works if you know it another one I love so just think it through just play the tape through I play the tape through back to skid row and you know my head tells me Skid Row wasn't that bad just give me a toothless honey and a cardboard box I can make it on Skid Row I got an ATM card they got dollar hits now normies don't laugh at that and you know part of the theme in this convention is about insanity and I always thought insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results isn't that what you hear around here that's not the insanity I deal with as an addict my insanity is doing the same thing knowing exactly what's going to happen and doing it anyway now at least the other kind of insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results at least there was some hope there now I don't wanna if I haven't offended you already but you know for me to pick up a bag of jobs kind of like say having sex with a gorilla now if you have sex with a gorilla honey it ain't over till the gorilla says it's over you get that gorilla back in the cage it starts looking to you again what I was loving I remember how I used to be I promise I won't hurt you this time nobody's gonna know just a tip baby come on that's the insanity that I live with it reminds me of the Polar Bear we were talking about this guy gets a rifle for his birthday and one of his lifelong ambitions was to shoot a polar bear so he goes to Alaska where the polar bears are and you know he sees this bear and he's got this new rifle so he takes his shot and he kills a bear and he goes over to check out his kill tap on his shoulder bigger polar bear looking down them the polar bear says you know you just shot my son you got two choices either let me have my way with you or I'm gonna maul you to death couple weeks later he's healing up in the hospital now he's got a resentment right it's going to go back and get this bear so he heals up gets back on a plane goes up to the tundra where the Bears are he sees the bear he takes his shot boom he goes over to check out the bear tap on his shoulder bigger polar bear looking down on him you just shot my uncle he got two choices either let me have my way with you or I'm gonna maul you to death couple weeks later he's back in the hospital healing up again you know now this goes on and on back and forth back and forth a couple years later he's up there you know sees the biggest polar bear he's ever seen and it's the one so he tooks his shot he goes over to check out his kill tap on his shoulder king of the polar bears looking down at him and the king of the polar bear says you know we've been watching you you got really up here for the hunting are you that's a little message about the insanity of addiction because I can remember being a hundred and twenty pounds you know dying of this disease covered in tracks and I'm looking you know five or six of my friends got me in the mirror and I'm saying I look great and I'm killing myself see I'm driven by resentment I'm driven by delusion I'm driven by that selfishness I'm driven by that fear and it drives me back to an obsession an obsession that drives me into this allergy in the allergy kills me and I'm doomed to live that life over and over again now you see a lot of people that that come into Narcotics Anonymous there's a lot of guys that I use with you know we did robberies together we did all these despicable diabolical things and the weird thing is as soon as they get clean everything works for them they put the bag of dope down you know and they fit in again the career welcomes them back they come to meetings once a year never work a step and their life gets consistently better they've been serene since their asset deceit in Narcotics Anonymous that's not my experience my experience every time I put the bag down the first thing they say to me is boy you need to be on medication what are you so angry why are you so emotional what's wrong with you why can't you sit still back there and I'm trying to dog food commercials see when I'm not using I have a whole nother set of problems when I'm not using I'm afraid of misery and depression when I'm not using I can't control my emotional nature when I'm not using I can't manage my personal relationships when I'm not using I'm full of fear when I'm not using I'm of no use to other people in untreated addiction I'm basically unhappy and the way that plays out for me is I don't fit in I'm not part of you don't understand me everybody's in my way life's not treating me right they're not paying me enough I'm underappreciated no one understands me my woman's cheating on me I gotta get loaded and some magic happens I pick up a bag of dope and I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me yeah right give me a couple of drinks fear of people in economic insecurity leave me I'm buying the whole bar drinks hello right you check give me a couple vicodin I could comprehend the word serenity and I know peace give me a little cocaine I want to start a business with you see narcotics produces the illusion that my life is manageable it sets up an illusion that my life is manageable and unless I can find that freedom that balance that peace that focus that sense of unity that I found in narcotics through the 12 steps there's no way I'm going to stay here see for me as an addict narcotics was an artificial means to a spiritual experience these 12 simple steps are a practical means to a spiritual experience you take the bag away from me you don't give me something better on the dead man and it took a long time for me to really understand that that I would slowly spin out of control because it was narcotics that gave me the courage to ask that beautiful girl to dance to walk across that dance floor it was narcotics that gave me the guts to go after that big job to go after that audition narc a narcotics gave me the wings to fly and unless I can find that freedom through this process there's no way I'm going to stay here and when I'm not using I'm chasing you for exits past my exit on the freeway I'm jumping up and down on your hood and traffic I'm counting your items in the checkout line you got eleven there was a guy that said the real problem here is in narcotics he said the real problem is a conscious separation from God and then he pointed to the eleventh step where you see the solution conscious contact with God and the bridge for me to 2 to 11 was steps four through nine and it took a long time for me to understand what a conscious separation from God was I'll tell you one thing I didn't want to pray you know why I didn't want God to find out where I was and I found out through the agnostic aspect of this disease is that see I believed there was a god but I live like there wasn't one and eventually I was able to see that I believed in a Santa Claus God that if I was good I was going to get a reward or if you get in a closet and pray for a hot dog you know what you'll die God can move mountains but you better bring his shovel I tell my spawn C's don't pray for women God's not a pimp but see eventually I came to terms with an evolutionary process that this was a group of addicts it became good orderly direction and at the other end of the steps it came the powerful hand of a loving God for me like a lot of us and I can't give you that if you knew it was a process of uncovering and discovering the things that were blocking me there's a poem in Notre Dame and it says I saw my god by God I could not see I saw my soul my soul I could not free I saw my brother and I found all three that's why we talk about the therapeutic value of one addict working with another is without parallel they asked Michelangelo how did you make the Statue of David and Michelangelo said I'd never made the Statue of David I just chipped away everything that wasn't David and there he was and that's the process of four through nine you tell a little kid go in your room and straighten out your room he doesn't want to do that you tell that same little kid I want you to go in your room and throw out all your old stuff and we'll buy your new stuff how long would that take if you're stuck in inventory and you haven't done this process why Rob yourself those old ideas for me had to be broken you know coming to believe and taking actions and being rid of those things in me that were blocking me because I live with resentment all my life resentment in Latin means to refeel I take an event from my past Irie feel it I relive it and I reenact it in every aspect of my life my life is like Groundhog Day the problem where resentment is what we do with it as addicts as an addict I take poison and I hope you die see a normal person is intellect over emotion as an addict I'm emotion over intellect and unless I can have an entire psychic change in that area I cannot be free my sponsor said what do you want from Narcotics Anonymous and I said you know I grew up in Malibu I want a yacht and a Learjet and you know what he said to me he said if you work steps four through nine and you consistently live in ten eleven and twelve what you'll get is a quiet mind and a loving heart and I looked at him and I said what do I want that for you know but if you've been separated from narcotics for a while you guys know what the opposite of a quiet mind is it's a mind that won't shut up to mind it's up at 3:00 in the morning telling you you're a loser you're fat in that job you got they're going to do the background check on you you know the opposite of loving heart is a vindictive hearted to prejudice art it's a resentful heart and all of my life I was crucified between two thieves yesterday and tomorrow in yesterday I have guilt shame and remorse in tomorrow at fear anxiety and worry and our spirits are very much like a body of water when they're perfectly still they best reflect the heavens now I know how to get there with a bag of dough but it's less I can find that sense of freedom and ease that I found in narcotics through this process I won't stay here in closing if someone did to me what I did to myself I would have killed him if someone did to me what I did to others I would have killed them and when I came in these rooms you think I want to pray I thought God had been watching those three simple relationships with God with self and with others had been destroyed I was bankrupt in those areas if you really look at the 12 steps by design steps one through three recreate and develop a relationship with God steps four through seven and recreate and develop a relationship with self steps eight and nine recreate and develop a relationship with others 10 maintains my relationship with self 11 maintains my relationship with God and 12 maintains my relationship with others so coming out of his steps for the first time I'm able to live in harmony in those basic simple relationships there was a great spiritual teacher he was asked what's the most important thing of all your teachings he said love God with all thy heart love thy neighbor as thyself and if God scares you out of these rooms and you're a real addict don't worry about it don't man I'll scare you back in you know I've been told I got a hurry up so let me let me close with this it's probably one of the oldest stories in Narcotics Anonymous it's about a five year old kid and this little kid he wants to play with his dad he's trying to figure out a way to you know get his dad's attention the dads like an accountant so he's trying to figure out a way to get rid of this little boy so he gets a map of the world you know National Geographic day of those great maps of the world and he rips this map of the world up into like 50 pieces and he gives it to the little boy and he says here's some tape son what I want you to do is I want you to put this little map of the world back together and then we'll play and he's thinking didn't take the kid an hour I finally got rid of him little boy comes back in two minutes he's got the whole map of the world all taped back together and the debts of son that's impossible it's impossible how did you do that and the little voices dad on the back of the map of the world was a picture of a man I just put the man back together and the whole world fell into place and that is the spiritual technology of Narcotics Anonymous for me then it rebuilds the man one through three with God four through seven with self through inventory eight and nine with others through service and through amends and then maintains those simple relationships and like a lot of us for me the whole world fell into place so if I live to be a hundred years old I could never pay narcotics anonymous back for the freedom and the relationships and the friendships and the love and the awesome higher power you know and all the gifts that we've got here and you know people say I am a grateful addict I used to want to throw up when I heard that but you know looking back at it the disease of addiction is the only disease when treated that leads to suffer in a better position than if they didn't have the disease and the only way to really know that is to have the psychic change and live these 12 steps thanks for having me you
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